hard things & good lessons

“give me pen” “give me shoes”  “give me money” 

“give me bottle”

every time we pass by we are bombarded with requests 
i think I have talked enough about how much I love it here, and I truly do, but the first couple days brought an onslaught of upturned hands and expectations that I didn’t know how to fulfill and i have finally had some time to reflect and write about it 

a good number of people out where we stay during the week, outside of the staff and families enrolled in the school, have only interacted with white people who are working for NGOs and non-profits and who are there to distribute aid.

the city gets a little tourism but still not that much 

and even though I had been prepared it was all still a lot to handle.

As anyone who has ever encountered poverty knows, the difficulty isn’t in the giving, but in the withholding.

I would love to be the one giving away free stuff and seeing the excitement and joy and probably feeling pretty good about myself.

But that’s selfish and I know it.

So instead I have tried my very best to focus on developing relationships and giving out high fives and creating secret handshakes and playing games (as you have also already heard about, sorry)

I think that’s why it feels even harder when things like this happen.

Like when we are talking to some teenage girls down by the pump and laughing and joking and they are teaching me how to dance and translating for the little ones and then I have to start walking back and when I am about a 100 yards down the road I hear

“MACIE MACIE WAIT FOR ME! I NEED YOUR HELP”

and I turn and it is one of the girls, about 14 years old, running towards me and I turn back and she says, “Macie. I want to go to school. I want an education. I need you to help me. Will you pay for my school?”

and my heart just breaks because OF COURSE I want to pay for her school and every other girl in the world’s education

but I can’t

I think it was so much harder because it was specific and personal

an individualized plea made specifically to me by someone who I had a relationship with.

& it jarred me

a lot

that was my second day in the country. 

~i wanna cheer this post up with a memory of learning how to dance which was the happiest thing~

About a week later 

I was walking down the one dirt road that passes through the surrounding villages with a fellow intern and an SUV comes ripping around the bend scattering the children we were with; the smallest, a 20 month old little boy, barely getting out of the way

I glared at the driver, frustrated by their lack of caution only to realize as they slowed down and rolled the window down that it was JOYCE BANDA THE PRESIDENT OF MALAWI and her driver

The children started chanting and dancing and clapping and swarming the car and the driver kept apologizing and smiling and I was so confused because why was the president of Malawi racing through the bush, 100 kilometers from any real city?

The driver starts gathering a large stack of bills, trying to hand them to me through the open window and I am caught off guard and just keep saying no no no 

but by this time all of the children have seen them and the driver is telling me to take them and distribute them and I keep saying no no please no but the kids are jumping and fighting and looking at me and trying to push me toward the open window so I take them and they drive off without a backward glance 

& now I have a stack of bills and a huge group of starving kids who are looking at me to give them money and I am in the exact position that I had been working so very hard to avoid

but before I had time to really think about it even more kids starting running over from villages close by and they all started grabbing the money  and screaming and pushing and my efforts to get them to line up only worked for a couple seconds before all hell broke loose 

& before I knew it my hands were empty and I watched an impressively old woman run from her hut, grab some bills from a couple of children, laugh gleefully and run back down the road

I looked around and felt heat and anger and frustration at everything that had happened

These were children who had been playing and skipping and having fun just 5 minutes earlier and they were now fighting and screaming and pushing for 20kwacha

That is the equivalent of 5 cents in USD

I know that they are in need and hungry and maybe it will buy them food for the day or chip in for their families or help with a huge number of things that they really need

And maybe kids in America would have reacted the same way if a treat was up for grabs

But everything inside me screamed that THIS WAS NOT THE ANSWER

Aid is good and important, but throwing money out a window solves nothing

Maybe President Banda’s actions were well-intentioned and she just wanted to help out a couple of kids

But it was only a week before the election and I really don’t know that much about Malawian politics but I can’t imagine that driving through the bush throwing money out the window is a sustainable or transparent way to further a platform of development

And they didn’t have to stick around to see the chaos that occurred once the bills settled

& maybe there was no ill intention 

Maybe they were just being nice and trying to help out the kids that they almost hit or just wanted to make them happy or whatever else they were thinking

Maybe this really is a good idea and I just don’t know enough yet

I KNOW similar events happen all over the world every day so maybe I should just count my blessings that it was money being thrown out the window instead of something far graver and more dangerous happening

I don’t know

But I do know that I hated it

I hated being a part of causing contention and fighting and unrest

It doesn’t matter that no one was seriously hurt or that no one died or was kidnapped etc

and yeah they probably all got to have a treat that day

but something inside my still cringes at the memory

I don’t know what I would do differently if I could go back.

I guess I could have just kept refusing and walked away but it was the president of the country for crying out loud

Maybe I would have worked harder to make sure that everyone stayed calm and got an even amount

I don’t know

  

I think that the only answer I have right now is the reminder to see every one I meet as a person not an object

More specifically as a brother or sister from the same creator

Because if you see poverty only as a problem to be solved, then yeah it becomes easy to see hand outs of money or resources as the solution

But it is not just a problem to be solved

& maybe that is backwards because it is so hard to not want to literally take the clothes off your back and give everything you have and wouldn’t that be a way to see others as people? 

Loving them enough to want to help?

But I think that really seeing people and not objects comes from being aware of sustainable agents for change and aid

And maybe that’s just because sustainability is one of the latest buzzwords in development and that is what I have been taught by my professors and development articles

I don’t know 

I don't know what the solution is or how to distribute it yet, but I know it is not just temporary handouts

Especially not by the president just mere days before an election

Maybe it is education, more equal rights of women, economic opportunities ETC ETC ETC

But probably it is a mix between all of the above and more

I know that millions of other people have thought about these things a million times over.

People that have more experience and are smarter and more qualified

BUT WE STILL DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER/SOLUTION/WORLD PEACE 

so obviously something is missing

I don’t know what it is, but every day I hope to become more committed to trying to do whatever is within my abilities and opportunities to help

I’m glad I’m not popular enough for this go viral because I know that I have so much to learn and am really truly trying and am probably wrong about so many things

If you have advice or knowledge or an opinion to share please do

Comment or email or facebook me

Or we can go to lunch when I get home and work on a solution together

I would love that

I am fully aware that my experience and scope and understanding is limited

I thirst for more and for now that gives me peace and hope

& that’s enough, for now

p.s. we haven’t had internet in a while and while it has been hard for mostly everyone else because they have boyfriends/lovers back home who they need to talk to, but I have kind of loved it 
(but sorry to all of my pining boyfriends back in the states)

I love my whole world being right here in Malawi and I love that we are all pretty much forced to pay attention to each other because there are no distractions

So, sorry that I haven’t responded to lotsa you (shout out to my mama) but responses are a’coming

p.p.s I was serious about advice and knowledge-sharing

hit a sister up 

lakes that look like the ocean and that one time I attended a political rally as an almost-special guest

~lake salima/paradise~ 

lakes that look like the ocean and that one time I attended a political rally as an almost-special guest

Lots of good things happened last weekend

Lake Malawi/Salima

we spent Saturday at the lake and it was everything I could have ever wanted & more.

the sand was beautiful and the water was warm and clear-ish and there is only a small chance that I got some weird worm from swimming and there weren’t even any alligators in sight.

we went to this really beautiful resort place that looked like paradise and I was just so happy to be in the water and even though it wasn’t the ocean it looked like it so I just pretended like it was

our car battery died and we had to wait around for forever but i was like whatevers we're at this beautiful resort so things could be much worse

~kind of my worst nightmare~

we also went to this fish farm that was cool in the sense that we got to see tons of different fish that they catch and sell to aquariums all throughout the world but no so cool in the sense that it kind of really freaked me out and felt too much like a factory farm for me to love

like I saw three fish float up to the top DEAD just while we were there walking around and yeah call me a wimp but that is not what I am about

i entertained many thoughts of organizing a coup and rescuing all the fish by smuggling them out/breaking their tanks but it turns out fish are pretty hard to rally

but mostly i loved it and everything was real pretty and there were smiles all around

~so many smiles and happiness~

but speaking of rallies

coolest experience of Africa/maybe my life:

Malawian presidential elections were yesterday & everyone is anxiously awaiting the results/causing a ruckus/burning down polling stations (seriously, the embassy just sent us an email to stay far away from the cities) while votes are counted but on Saturday we got to go to a party rally

One of our contacts here in Malawi is the president of party organization (I am thinking that means like campaign manager, yeah?) for the Malawi Congress Party and invited us to attend a rally/SIT UP ON THE STAGE BEHIND THE CANDIDATE AND ALL THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE

Part of me felt really bad because it was so hot and people (thousands of them) had been there for 6 hours and I wanted everyone to be able to have chairs and shade

Another part of me felt super wary considering how little I actually know about the candidate/Malawian politics in general but yeah having nine white people on the stage maybe doesn’t hurt publicity and what if we were helping a really corrupt man gain power?

but after talking with a dozen or so people that I really respect and trust he really does seem like a good option (or at least the least corrupt of all the options).

I still feel a little anxious about it but we were pretty far back on the stage and let’s be honest the other part of me was just like OMG THIS IS AWESOME

I understood about 7 words throughout the 1.5 hours of speeches that we listened to but I was high on political science love and interest

There was so much music and dancing before and after and there was a musician singing Bob Marley and sometimes when people really agreed with what the speaker was saying they would start yelling and chanting and dancing and he would have to stop for a couple of minutes while everyone celebrated.  At least that’s what it looked like was happening.

 The dancing and singing was led by a group of really cool women up at the front and I promise that if i ever have good enough internet i will upload the video of everyone dancing and blow your mind

Campaigning here is so interesting because no one really has a television (there is only one, state-owned channel anyways) and even radio channels are limited so for the last couple weeks I have been here (and I’m sure way before) whenever we go into the city we will see big trucks PACKED with people blasting way loud music and dancing and sometimes throwing out flyers and everyone will be wearing shirts and wraps and headscarves with their candidate all over everything

~putting Obama shirts to shame~ 

I have studied international political systems throughout my undergraduate studies and it has been so interesting and exciting to finally get to experience it first hand

Don’t get me wrong.

It is certainly not all butterflies and rainbow colored party trucks and reggae love.

Corruption is obvious and rampant and so frustrating to see.  This is already long so I’m ending here but thoughts and some first hand experiences about corruption to come

cheers to democracy and Malawi and a good weekend.

~trying not to draw attention to ourselves but "everyone jump in to the picture with the Azungas!"~

introducing the new queen of comedy & i think skirts are used for sleeping

I will never be as funny as I am in Africa.

Seriously. 

it is going to be a rude awakening when I return home and realize that I am not, in fact, hilarious to anyone but myself and the occasional best friend (you know who you are) 

But here??

I am the QUEEN OF COMEDY. 

Literally everything I do is funny.

I look funny (my go-to and easiest-to-present joke), I talk funny (in English and especially Chichewa), I dress funny. 
Oh and clapping/cheering when we are playing sports? HILARIOUS. Almost as funny as the 1,000s of high fives I give a day.

I will never again be greeted with cheers and delightful laughter and pointing and general commotion based purely on my looks (actually that might not be true depending on how much I shower when I get back)
But I love it. 
like yeah, at first it makes you feel extraordinarily uncomfortable but then you remember that at least you aren't as awkward-looking as you were in middle school so really, how bad could it be?

so yeah, i decided that it is weirdly fun to be this bizarre alien.

And seriously, when else am I ever going to be this funny? 
(answer: never)

~some of my tougher to please audience members~

I am not the only comedian, though.

the other day I am minding my own business sitting in a circle of children friends playing a game and this woman comes up and starts YELLLING at us in Chichewa. 
Really loud. 
She starts pointing to her skirt and miming sleeping by putting her hands up to her head and then pointing to us and pointing to her skirt and lauuuugghing and I am feeling weirdly scolded and trying to tell her that I don’t understand but she just keeps trying to explain and then she takes her skirt off (but has something underneath don’t worry but still...wut?) and gets down in the dirt and pulls her skirt over head and just lays there. 
Then gets up and yells some more but also is laughing and pointing a lot so I just nervously giggle and am looking at all the kids to try and gauge their reaction except they seem completely unfazed  so I’m just like okay whatevs maybe this happens all the time.
And then she just walks away with a few more yells and points and guffaws and we resume our game.

~nooo big~

my interpretation of this experience:

woman: “white people! Where are your skirts?!?!"*
white people (aka Kylie and I): “ummmm…I’m sorry I am not sure what you are saying. Are we doing something wrong? We just didn’t want to flash anyone by cartwheeling in a skirt! But maybe that’s not what you are even saying. 
IDK. 
maybe if you say it louder I will understand!!!”

woman: “YOU NEED SKIRTS!!! We use skirts for everything, even sleeping! Here, let me demonstrate *sleeping escapade* You are wearing pants which is super funny.
white people: “yeah I still can’t understand you I am so sorry…also why are you laying in the dirt and what does this mean and where can I get one of those wraps so that I can sleep with it over my head too?”
woman: “hahahahaahah okay I’m done, see ya later”

Is this completely wrong? 
Yeah, most likely.
I will probably never know. I just hope I see her again when I am wearing a skirt to test my theory.

other notable events:
-going to Lilongwe (the capital city) this weekend
the hostels usually have hot water and feel like luxury suites and there are always lots of way cool people from all over the world to chat and play cards with

we ate like kings/queens at a delicious indian food restaurant and walked around to get our bearings a little bit.

Oh also I bought an avocado the size of a softball so I would say it was a successful weekend.

-going to church on Sunday 
we got to hear a beautiful message and sing hymns and talk about faith and love and during the good news moment we talked about diarrhea (i know that's not really funny but cmon it kinda is. not five years old, i swear) and it was exactly what I needed 
i am overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings i have in my life and feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to worship with such wonderful people

~first beautifully awkward group picture~ 

my life is golden and the blessings are real and i am thankful for the ones i can touch and the ones i can't and just all of it

coming attractions include some of my best/worst ideas and their consequences 

xo forevers

*while not uncommon to see women wearing pants in the city women in the rural areas usually wear skirts. we always change into pants when playing with the kids since a lot of it includes entertaining them with countless cartwheels so that is better than flashing everyone, right??

welcome to Malawi & how to learn Chichewa in 3 days or less

~my new home aka "the bush"~

it's time for africa* 

I have been in Malawi for three days now. I like to think it is long enough to get over both severe jet lag and culture shock but I actually think jet lag is awesome because I wake up READY TO GO every day at 5am now and I am not sure I have experienced culture shock yet which probably means it is just right around the corner. So I will be updating that statement in a few days I am sure.

But I love it here.

we are living in the bush about 1.5 hours from the capital and i think there is something different about clouds in africa bc they are SO BIG so if someone could explain that to me that'd be great. it's incredible.  

A post is coming about what I’m actually doing and etc, but before you judge me too hard for my unavoidable pictures and gushing, disclaimer that I am not participating in “voluntourism” and no I am not silly enough to think I am changing the world/anyone’s life with my presence.

I am participating in an internship that I hope will help me develop useful skills and am so excited to learn about a beautiful and interesting culture. I hope to grow and learn and fail and have the courage to keep trying.I know that if anyone's life is changing it is mine and i say bring it. 

~~So sshhh to the haterz~~

I have already learned some things that have filled pages and pages in my journal. Some lessons are really hard to write about. Those might come a bit later.

But here is one of my favorite lessons so far:

how to learn all of the important words in a language in 3 days or less**

If you want to learn a new language learn it from children. 

They will demand that you sit with them for {literally} hours and repeat back to them EXACTLY what they say. And will yell each word at an increasingly loud volume until you get it precisely right even when it is a really hard language like Chichewa which has sounds in it that you have never even heard and how in the world do you do that with your mouth?!

But if you write down every word you learn and make friends with some really kind adults they will help you and eventually you will be able to basic greetings without causing everyone to break into a fit of giggles because you are saying it so wrong.

But try to venture out and use those new words you spent hours learning and they will laugh and laugh.

But in the meantime enjoy being yelled at and pointing to your nose (mbola!) and ears (makutu!) and shoes (nsapato!) and blue (mtambo!) and trees (mtengo!).

and don't bother reverting to the only other foreign language you're familiar with even if it is spanish bc while it helps with remembering the word for shoes (zapato/nsapato are basically the same-BOOYAH) shouting no habla doesn't do anything

Seriously though. These kids are so patient and persistent and would win best teacher of the year award in my book any day.

Mission “make friends by trying really hard to communicate but still failing but still making friends” officially begun

* "AFRICA IS A CONTINENT NOT A COUNTRY YOU BIG DUMMY" yes. i know. i am merely referencing the popular song by Shakira that you might be familiar with and that i can't help but think about every time i remember i am, indeed, in africa. and "it's time for malawi" didn't ring quite as well

** important words limited to anything you can physically touch/point at i.e. body parts, nature objects, and colors

I don't want to sound like every other sap who is currently writing in their *SUMMERTIME ADVENTURES AND LIFE LESSONS* blog but really, i am so excited and blessed to be here. happy days ahead. 

I want to sign off with the Chichewa word for goodbye to show that i really did learn something today but I can't remember how to say it so peace and to be continued

(okay cheated and looked it up-- ndapita!)

xo forevers